Who is the real ＂enemy＂ in an extramarital affair, the husband or the third party？

　　Recently, there has been a hot topic on the Internet-why does the original match scold the mistress but not the husband whenever a man cheats?

　　Generally nothing more than these two reasons:

　　One is because the original match regards the involvement of a third party as the main fuse of her husband's derailment, and thinks that the third party is undoubtedly the culprit when his marriage breaks down.

　　The other is that the original match didn't want to be completely torn with her husband, and didn't think clearly about whether to divorce, so he temporarily transferred all his anger to a third party, trying to solve the "external worries" first and then deal with the "internal troubles" later.

　　Behind these two different thoughts, what do you think as the original match?

　　Let's talk about the first one-that the third party is the root of all evil.

　　Before this type of husband was found cheating, he was often the image of a three-good man praised by everyone, so when things just happened, the original match was hard to accept from the bottom of my heart a scene that was completely opposite to what I always knew.

　　For example, he has a decent job and his salary is never squandered on family expenses. When you get home from work, you will take the initiative to do housework and take care of the baby without complaining. You have hardly blushed in these years of marriage, and even if it is awkward, he always comes first to apologize and coax you. Honor both parents equally, and never favor one over the other.

　　You have the final say in the daily small things at home, and two people discuss the big things, but they basically listen to you. He is a relative and friend, including a good husband in your own mind.

　　How can such a husband, who is responsible for the family and envied by everyone, cheat? !

　　So you chose to stand on her husband's side without thinking:

　　"He was seduced into doing such a foolish thing."

　　"That woman was too scheming to be exploited by her."

　　You make yourself convinced of these blatant reasons, and even agree that to some extent, your husband is also the victim of this extramarital conspiracy.

　　You can't scold your husband like a third party, otherwise you will put him and the third party in the position of accomplices, and acquiesce that they are working together to hurt your marriage and destroy your family. This is equivalent to letting her husband's past three good images break all over the place!

　　Both reason and emotion are wrapped around you. You can only choose to stand on your husband's side, lambaste the third party, get rid of this good man in everyone's mind, rationalize all this, and try your best to keep the harmonious and stable family balance in the past from being broken.

　　Next, let's talk about the second one-an evasive attitude towards her husband's derailment.

　　This kind of thinking is often a decision-making screening after consideration.

　　In the face of the news that her husband is cheating, according to the correct logic, the original anger should be directed at the problem maker-her husband.

　　However, after consideration and weighing, the original match still chose to avoid this reality, skipping her husband and attacking a third party. This avoidance behavior is often caused by the following reasons:

　　01 protection of emotional input

　　In the management of marriage, you must have invested a lot of emotion and energy. Facing the betrayal from your spouse will make all your past efforts meaningless.

　　02 Maintenance of self-dignity

　　For some people whose self-identity is not firm enough, admitting that "my husband cheated" is tantamount to indirectly admitting that "I lost to another woman".

　　Have hope for the maintenance of marriage

　　Do you think that if there were no third party involved, your marriage would not face the breakdown today?

　　In other words, as long as the third party is driven away, there is still hope of reconciliation.

　　04 uncertainty about future life.

　　You are not sure what kind of chain consequences the affair will have, for example, what if he intends to divorce? If he doesn't want to divorce, how will he live in the future? It seems that considering which side will only bring endless troubles.

　　This series of violent attacks makes you have to hold back your anger and re-examine this matter. Since it is not worth the loss to scold your husband, you can only hold back your emotions and aim at another party who "creates danger", that is, the third party.

　　However, after a real experience, you will find that no matter what reason you scold or how ugly words you use to scold a third party, you can't really calm the anger and pain in the original match.

　　From a psychological point of view, the original match's behavior of recovering and scolding the third party is essentially a kind of compensation for its own losses-to get some relief from its psychological deficiencies such as being unloved and insecure in marriage through this way of venting outward.

　　However, compensation is often out of substitution action, not really effective action, and "substitution" itself is a kind of demotion behavior.

　　Because you have no confidence in effective actions (facing up to the essential causes and solutions of derailment), you may even be afraid to touch them, so you can only choose the next best alternative action.

　　For the original match who thinks that the third party is the root of all evil, the husband's infidelity is not only hurting your personal feelings, because he also plays many other roles that symbolize positive, stable and beautiful, such as loving father, filial son and responsible head of the family.

　　Once you break this side of his "good husband", a chain reaction will follow. The most obvious thing is that you can't bear to question your self-worth.

　　He has done well in other aspects. Why did he choose to disappoint me?

　　Is there something wrong with me that made him choose to cheat?

　　In your perspective, you have inadvertently equated "facing my husband's infidelity" with "it must be my fault".

　　So you keep your worries, cowardice, anxiety and other emotions in your heart, so that you can more firmly believe that your husband is only bewitched by a third party, so as to maintain your self-worth and make the originally happy and stable family try not to be affected by this incident.

　　But this ostrich mentality can't really heal your inner anxiety after all. When you scold a third party and then face your husband, there is still a voice in your heart that keeps asking you questions:

　　Why did he cheat? Where on earth am I inferior to that woman? Are all his usual three good images fake?

　　Marriage and family seem to have restored the harmony of the past, but these pains in the bottom of my heart will still torment you over and over again.

　　As for the original partner who has an evasive attitude towards her husband's derailment, this evasive way is only similar to a blind eye. It is not that you really don't exist if you don't face up to the problem. On the contrary, your evasion may lead to missing the best opportunity to solve the problem.

　　Whether you want to break up with your derailed husband or live under the same roof in the future is something you can't sort out quickly at the moment. In order to avoid "accidental injury", you choose to suppress and transfer your emotions to him first.

　　On the other hand, you are sure that you can stand on the absolute moral high ground and condemn the third party, and your pain, unwillingness, resentment and helplessness can be vented here.

　　Anyway, someone has to pay the price for this, first agree with the outside world, and then close the door and slowly calculate the account at home.

　　This seems to be a trade-off between advantages and disadvantages, but in fact it is also a helpless compromise.

　　You thought that your husband could unite with himself to expel the third party first, but it is very likely that this is just your wishful thinking.

　　When a man is exposed to an extramarital affair, if he intends to return to his family, then most of them can delete contact with a third party at present and draw a clear line (it is still unknown whether they will contact later).

　　However, you should know that the fundamental purpose of his doing this is to preserve our sanity. You really let him scold his former lover with you, and it is very difficult for him to cooperate with you.

　　Therefore, the result of avoiding reality is often that after you fight the third party physically and mentally, you will have to face the husband who is divorced from Germany when you get home.

　　Will he sincerely repent and never do it again as you wish?

　　After he has weighed the pros and cons like you, will he really be reluctant to part with marriage as you hope?

　　Do you still have the energy to have another round of brand-new wits with your husband?

　　I'm afraid you don't have the confidence to give a positive answer yourself.

　　Generally speaking, whether it is to defend her husband's cheating or to get temporary comfort from outside first, it is essentially an escape from cruel reality.

　　But in fact, you avoid yourself and don't face it directly. As the wrong party, he will not be grateful, but will regard it as a kind of acquiescence and connivance.

　　From your own point of view, whether it is forcing a smile or transferring contradictions, it is just a means to cover up negative emotions.

　　Trauma will not disappear by itself because you turn a blind eye, but will lie dormant and take root in your heart, making you always have hidden dangers in your future life. If it is not relieved in time, the depression in my heart will gradually accumulate into hopelessness and eventually become a disease.

　　As far as the "guardian" of marriage is concerned, even if the third party is scolded and ran away, if the husband doesn't get the lesson and punishment he deserves, he will probably not be able to take a sincere warning, and your marriage is still in a precarious turmoil. Even he has explored your low bottom line through this matter, and may be even more unscrupulous in the future.

　　No matter whether you are more inclined to repair or give up this relationship in your true will, the third party is only proof of the existence of the problem, and the painful scolding of the third party can't really calm your pain and trauma.

　　Only by finding the real crux and not solving it for the purpose of escape can we fill in the loopholes in marriage and heal ourselves at the same time

　　This article starts with Zhihu platform: Chen Man, Wang Xiao and Zhang Yan.

　　Infringement must be investigated!