A guide to life for young people in Beishangguang without internal friction

　　This article comes from WeChat WeChat official account: Zhiqu classmate (ID: liuzhiqu 7788), author: Liu Zhiqu, title source: "Your New Life"

　　In 1964, the Beatles first entered new york. The reporter asked John Lennon, the lead singer of the band, why did a British band come to the United States to develop?

　　His answer at that time was: "During the Roman Empire, philosophers and poets at that time went to Rome because it was the center of the world. We came to new york today because it was the center of the world."

　　It is precisely because people rely on resources to live, so even after 60 years, this reason can still explain why contemporary young people still choose to leave their homes and flock to Beishangguang even under great pressure of survival and living costs.

　　Well, this year is the ninth year that I have worked in Beijing after graduation, and I still have a strong sense of wandering, feeling that this place does not belong to me. In my opinion, Beishangguang is like a catalyst, which ripens the potential desire when I was young, and makes people accept the beating, experience the pain caused by the mismatch between ability and ambition, and then be forced to see the truth of society.

　　But why do you still stay here?

　　Compared with talking about the value of life in a broad sense and poetry and distance, Aristotle's narrow reason more than two thousand years ago is more pragmatic: "People come to cities to live; People live in cities in order to live better. "

　　The so-called ideal and love are just another literary expression of making a living.

　　With the slowdown of global economic growth, the job market has been extremely difficult in the past two years, and the media giants are no longer keen on explaining the difficulties of "going north to Guangzhou" to make a living, because those small and medium-sized cities are not necessarily Taoyuan resorts, and it is really difficult for young people in Beishangguang to have a thick heart that has been ground by reality.

　　Later, I also asked those middle-aged people who chose to return to Beishangguang after 30 years old how they felt. They said that this road has become more difficult than before, and we are destined to be a generation that is constantly migrating to the city. We may not be able to keep it, but we have already arrived in no way back.

　　Today's younger generation, the difference in the efficiency of realizing the "golden period" of their lives is not the same as that of the previous generation. The "elevator" of the times is slowing down quietly, and the experience accumulated by those who sit on the "elevator" during the dividend period of the times naturally loses its reference significance.

　　Frankly speaking, aside from a handful of elites who can pay for their ideals, the vast majority of ordinary young people in big cities now have very few choices and opportunities, and their jobs are extremely involved.

　　Plus, proper limit, which is far away from relatives and former friends, has maintained a proper relationship between people in big cities. Those emotions that are not output in time are often accumulated again and again, and eventually become the last straw to crush the camel at a certain moment, and then fall into a long-term internal friction of self-spirit.

　　Therefore, from the beginning, try to reduce the inducement of mental internal friction and adjust self's emotional cognition, which is like a flashlight for young people who are single and wandering in big cities at night without street lamps.

　　Spiritual integration, but not persistent to stay

　　People's state determines their mentality, and mentality determines their destiny.

　　Many people will hold the view that if they choose to stay in a big city, they should cut off all their back roads, so that they will have the motivation to forge ahead and the determination not to retreat when they encounter difficulties.

　　In my opinion, this is a kind of "self-abuse". We just need to integrate into the city spiritually, and enjoy the functions that it can enable us to have a job, earn money, be mentally free, see a bigger world and meet more interesting people. We don't have to stick to staying here, find a "tiptoe" retreat for ourselves and accumulate it.

　　What is a retreat that can be achieved by "tiptoeing"? In short, it is to set a life goal that is only one grade higher than the present life. ???

　　Take myself as an example: in 2014, my original intention of becoming a North drifter after graduating from college was to find a job and save some money, and then go back to my hometown to live without renting a house, so my goal at this stage is to save some money no matter how much I save.

　　By 2016, the Internet development in Hangzhou was booming. I told my family that Hangzhou was better than my hometown. I could find a job in the Internet industry and settle down here. The house price was not as expensive as that in Beijing, so I persuaded my family to make a down payment of more than 200,000 yuan and bought a two-bedroom apartment in the suburban forest of Hangzhou. At this point, my life seems to be "guaranteed" again. At that time, job-hopping and salary increase were very popular on the internet, because I didn't have particularly great financial pressure and goals, but I spent my mind on accumulating work experience; ?????????????????????????????

　　A few years later, the housing prices in Hangzhou rose rapidly, which gave me the idea of selling the house in Hangzhou and making a down payment in Beijing. Finally, the idea landed and I bought a house in Beijing. ????????

　　I remember a colleague at that time, who was similar in age to me. At the beginning, the family raised hundreds of thousands of dollars to buy a house in Beijing. As a result, it seems that it has not yet been realized. ?????????????????????????????????????????

　　Of course, I'm not saying that having a house means staying, but I want to say that for ordinary people, many things can't be done overnight, and mental relaxation is very important.

　　Accumulation that is difficult to achieve in a high-speed development era will only be more difficult in the future. People who don't know how to leave a way out for themselves are sad, just like a car that can only move forward on the road but can't turn around and turn.

　　Life in a big city is very tired and depressing, and people need a little timely feedback to fight it. If I encounter difficulties, I can think that all these are just accumulating to achieve my goal that I can reach on tiptoe, even if I can't reach it, it doesn't matter. After all, that goal is not much better than my current life, and maybe I will be able to cheer up again after being negative for a while.

　　Moreover, young people who can choose to wander alone in big cities have more or less the gene of "self-confidence, positivity and restlessness" in their bones, and usually don't give up so easily, otherwise they will withdraw from the stage of finding a job and renting a house in big cities. ?

　　Therefore, young people in big cities should know how to loosen their spirits, and life is not sailing against the current. If you don't advance, you will retreat.

　　Avoid self-exploitation driven by merit society

　　Compared with the times when their parents were short of material and spiritual resources, the life of contemporary young people is certainly better than one or two grades, but objectively speaking, their survival pressure is much greater than that of the previous generation. ??????????????????????????????

　　For example, the depreciation of academic qualifications, high housing prices, and increasingly narrow channels for social advancement have made our ideals really vulnerable to these realities, which have also broken an optimistic expectation of young people for the future.

　　But we haven't given up yet, because if we really wanted to "lie flat", we wouldn't have chosen to come to Beishangguang that year.

　　In a merit-driven social system, individual feelings come from other people's evaluation and the strict standards of social operation, so we try our best to meet other people's expectations. While being "anxious about selling" by comments on the Internet, everyone actively chooses "self-exploitation".

　　Why can't I be financially free at the age of 35? Why did he also graduate in 985? His monthly salary is 100,000, but I can't? ???

　　So some young people choose to be "the king of volume" after hitting the wall, trying to break through in an irrational fierce competition through "self-squeezing". ?

　　But in fact, this practice is not efficient, and it will only aggravate the internal friction of self-spirit. ??

　　There is a law in psychology called Jaecks-dodson Law.

　　This psychological research by psychologists Jaecks J.D Dodson shows that the relationship between motivation intensity and work efficiency is not a linear relationship, but an inverted U-shaped curve.

　　That is to say, it is not that the stronger the motivation, the higher the efficiency of achieving your goals, and both insufficient motivation and excessive motivation will reduce the work efficiency.

　　In most cases, it is precisely by maintaining motivation at an intermediate level that we can give our best play.

　　Another particularly interesting result of this study is that the optimal level of motivation varies with the nature of the task. For easier tasks, higher motivation is conducive to the completion of the task; For tasks with moderate difficulty, moderate intensity motivation is more appropriate; For difficult tasks, a lower level of motivation is conducive to the completion of the task.

　　Therefore, it will be more efficient to adjust one's motivation to a relatively low level for such a difficult task as standing in the north and Guangzhou. By setting some "small goals", we can accumulate more experience of "small success" and gain higher self-efficacy.

　　Everyone needs a rest, which is a way of psychological relaxation and self-psychological protection.

　　Reduce inner self-talk and enhance action.

　　I don't know if you have the experience that when you concentrate on doing one thing, you won't feel tired at all.

　　On the contrary, when I have nothing to do, I feel exhausted.

　　I have personal experience in this respect. Last year, there was a period when I had a lot of blank time in my life and work. Every day, my mind was full of all kinds of thoughts. For a while, I thought that I would lose my job. For a while, I felt that so-and-so seemed to be unhappy with me. For a while, I regretted wasting my time. Every day, there was a big drama in my heart, which made people exhausted.

　　A friend of mine at that time was worried that the layoffs on the Internet would affect her every day, so her family suggested that she go to the postgraduate entrance examination to improve herself, and she began to struggle again, which is better, the postgraduate entrance examination or the public examination? Can you do this at this age? Is it cost-effective? The internal friction was too bad, and later I went to hang up the consultation number of the psychology department. ?????????

　　This is the internal friction caused by too much inner dialogue, which is a huge obstacle to action. Before taking firm action, I hesitate, but it is difficult to completely veto this option, so people always wander back and forth in the choice.

　　There is a passage in the book "Anti-Internal Friction": "Behind the entanglement of knowing … but not doing … is endless self-fighting."

　　When all the physical and mental resources are used for self-fighting internal time-consuming, we are unable to cope with even a little challenge and make any meaningful changes. ?

　　Internal friction is like a war in the brain. The real antidote is to "act" and do another thing to consume the rest of your energy.

　　Note that it is necessary to spend energy on doing the thing itself, not on choosing which thing to do.

　　Later, I did one thing to fight against this internal friction, that is, I started writing this WeChat official account. You will find that what I am writing now is completely different from the direction I started writing. Only recently did I slowly and steadily output some solutions to social problems from a psychological point of view, because I didn't think about this so-called positioning and realization mode of WeChat official account at first. I only knew that I had to start writing and concentrate on one thing to consume the energy I used to talk to myself every day.

　　Many times it is normal not to understand, but to find the answer in the process of action. People who are motivated usually give people a sense of vitality, and they rarely have mental internal friction.

　　The saddest result is that in a cynical self-slacking, we have never really had a rest, but we have never really tried our best.

　　Internal friction is the psychological normal of young people.

　　The 2022 National Health Insight Report shows that more than 90% people are worried about their psychological problems, of which 50% are worried about their anxiety and 44% are worried about their depression.

　　The National Mental Health Report of China (2019-2020) shows that the average anxiety level of young people aged 18-34 is higher than that of other age groups in adulthood.

　　Therefore, young people themselves are more likely to feel pain and stress. ???

　　As Lu Xun wrote in "Autumn Night", the young flying insect obviously has no light to chase, but it still clinks against the glass lampshade; The young pink flower shivered with cold in the cold wind, but it was still unwilling to give up the dream of that spring. This is the nature of youth. This nature predestines that the younger you are, the more painful you are, so we say this is the fate of youth.

　　However, no young people living in big cities are 100% mentally healthy. The mental internal friction is just that some people are "heavier" and some people are "lighter", and the duration of negative emotions is different.

　　Some people describe this kind of self-mental internal friction as a leaking balloon, that is, no matter how hard you blow it, it won't blow up.

　　There's really nothing to be afraid of when a balloon leaks. It's important that you know that the next thing to do is to plug the leak hole, instead of standing in the same place and fighting with yourself, or attributing the problem to other external factors.

　　The joys and sorrows of human beings are not connected, and only oneself can save themselves from emotional problems (it needs to be declared that depression is not an emotional problem, but a disease, and it needs to seek help from a doctor for corresponding medical treatment intervention, which cannot be solved by self-adjustment). ?

　　Many times, we may be afraid to face the fact that the balloon is leaking, but this is actually the first step for us to repair it: accept this annoying fact and accept this emotion; ?

　　Step 2: Find the air leak and try to plug it. Focus on a goal and continue to invest in the right direction; ?

　　Finally, we should reduce the resistance to further achieve our goal and remove all obstacles that will interfere with your balloon blowing.

　　I hope that each of us can explore a set of self-effective methodology to stop internal friction.